Summer of 2011 was a significant one – I left the
comfort of my home and parental guidance behind in Orange County to begin
adulthood. I came to college. This was also the first time I met Corbin, my now
boyfriend, best friend, and partner in life. We met on Freshman move-in day and
after being close friends for two and a half years (and many heart-to-hearts in
between), we decided we wanted to try being more than friends. It was one of
the best decisions I have ever made. Three months into dating, something
peculiar happened. We were at Trader Joe’s by West Hollywood, doing some
grocery shopping. When checking out, I noticed an elderly Asian man in line
behind us who was staring at Corbin and me. I would be lying if I said it did
not make me uncomfortable. When he and I made eye contact, the man shook his
head in disapproval.
What I did not mention about Corbin and I is that he is African American
and I am Korean American which lends as to why this happened and why it
continues to happen on occasion.
Although we live in Los Angeles, known as one of the most diverse
cultural hubs in the U.S. we still experience intolerance. The number of
interracial couples nationwide is on the rise, but mere exposure does not equal
acceptance. From this relationship, my sensitivity to racial intolerance has
changed and is continuing to change. The graph better illustrate this in
four phases: The pre-dating phase from A to B, growth phase from B to C, and
the decline to plateau phase from C to D.
Pre-Dating Phase
Before we started
dating (Point A in the sensitivity graph), we were already facing mild forms of
intolerance from those around us. Hence why the level of sensitivity grew from
point A, “Just friends” to point B, “dating”. My actions were not directly
influenced by the intolerance because back then I was not interested in being involved
romantically. Avoidance, however, did not mean I was uninfluenced; the
intolerant comments and behaviors from others subconsciously affected the level
of my sensitivity. For example, my mother used to tell me that she approves of
our friendship but strongly advised that we do not pursue a romantic
relationship. When my aunt saw a picture of Corbin and me with our friends, she
snuck in a snide remark about how her first marriage to a Caucasian man was a
mistake and urged that I avoid interracial relationships.
As for Corbin, his
experience with intolerance was peer induced. There was an inside joke between
his musician friends (he is a jazz bass major) during our first two years of
friendship that he was “doing the Elvin Jones” whenever he would be seen
hanging out with me. They were referring to a famous African American jazz
drummer from the 60s who was married to a Japanese woman.
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At
the time, Jazz was prominent in Europe and Japan and it was common for jazz
musicians to marry Japanese women since many of them were building their
careers overseas in Japan. Corbin later admitted to me that his naïve and
inexperienced freshman self was sensitive to the jokes and comments his friends
were making and was turned off to the idea of dating me. He thankfully got over
that thought but our sensitivity did not decline.
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Growth Phase
The growth phase
refers to the time period between when we started dating to when the
sensitivity reached the highest point (Point B to C). During this phase, my
sensitivity to racial intolerance of interracial couples increased faster and
higher than ever before. As I have previously mentioned, we currently live in
Los Angeles, one of the most diverse cities in the World (Facts about Los Angeles). Furthermore, the 2010 Census reflects that there has been a 400
percent increase in interracial marriages over the last 3 decades and a 50
percent increase in multi-ethnic youth since the census in 2000 (LA Times).
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These statistics, however, only express increase in exposure, not tolerance.
One day, Corbin and I went to a local breakfast place called “The Pantry” in
downtown LA. An elderly Caucasian couple sat at the table next to us and
throughout our entire meal, they did not stop staring at us. There were many
unknown and potential reasons why this couple engaged in such behavior; the
couple was older and could have been tourists who came from the least diverse
city like Laredo, Texas. Perhaps they had never seen a black dude with long, beautiful
dreadlocks. Regardless of the reason, they were still having breakfast in Los
Angeles; their existence and intolerance we cannot deny. A 2012 Cooperative
Congress Election study found that 29 percent of white respondents reject
dating, cohabiting, marrying, and having children with African Americans and
Asian Americans; it may not be the majority but that percentage still signifies
millions of white Americans. This “Pantry” incident definitely made my
sensitivity skyrocket. My sensitivity rising also might have been due to the
fact that I was not expecting something like this to happen in downtown LA.
Intolerance is not
always from strangers who stare or make comments like, “you two will have
beautiful mixed babies”. It also comes from acquaintances who are unaware.
Perhaps intolerance is not the most appropriate labeling; ignorance may better
describe the questions that I receive from time to time. One frequent question
that I get asked often is, how do your parents feel about your relationship?
This question was also at the top of the list in an article discussing the top 8 questions that interracial couples are tired of being asked.
My sensitivity
reached an all time high (point C) before declining into the plateau when I
told my sister and mom about our relationship. Up until that point, the
intolerance that I was dealing with was mild and came from complete strangers
or acquaintances at most. This was different. I faced initial intolerance from
my family. They focused on the potential conflicts that could arise in
interracial relationships, including the fact that there would be a certain
level of intolerance from society. Having my family point out the intolerance
we would be facing while remaining intolerant themselves was quite ironic.
Their attitudes changed when I explained that things were serious between us.
Decline & Plateau Phases
The decline from
point C to point D was due to our acknowledgement of the racial intolerance at
hand from being an interracial couple. We had not openly discussed it as a
couple before and doing so liberated both of us from our high-strung
sensitivities. The journal, Interracial
Couples, Intimacy, and Therapy: Crossing Racial Boarders, discusses the
importance of open communication and understanding between partners in an
interracial relationship. This is due to the fact that people exhibit different
perceptions of the encounters that they have everyday and unpacking these
perceptions and feelings will get the partners on the same page. The author, Kyle
D. Killian, explains that it will no longer feel as if you are fighting a
battle with intolerance on your own; you have extra ammunition and strength
from your partner fighting alongside you.
Corbin
and I opened up about our feelings and shared the instances where we felt
sensitive about racial intolerance but did not speak up at the time. It was
extremely therapeutic and healing and the more we were able to talk about it,
the less of a problem it became. Currently in our relationship, we are at point
D (“aware yet comfortable”). We understand that there may be potential
encounters with racial intolerance wherever we go. Our awareness and ability to
recognize these run-ins with racial intolerance are what makes the sensitivity
level still higher than when we had just started dating. It does not catch us
off-guard anymore. We have come to a secure place in our relationship where we
are not sensitive to or negatively influenced by stares or comments; hence, this
is reflected by the straight horizontal line to infinity.
I wanted to share
our story for a variety of reasons. Instead of turning our story into a pity
party on why interracial relationships are difficult, I wanted to tell the real
story - the story of the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me
without fluff. And that includes addressing intolerance toward interracial
couples, which still exists. The sensitivity graph is the byproduct of the
intolerance that Corbin and I have experienced. I hope that my story reaches
two different groups of audiences. First are those similar to us. The
sensitivity graph may potentially help those who are stuck in a steeper and
more difficult growth phase than ours and are wondering when they will hit the
declining phase. The ability to come up with their own sensitivity graph and
diagnose the different phases that they have been or still are going through
may be one of the ways they can reach their “aware yet comfortable” place. The
second group of audience is those who are simply unaware but they represent the
majority who can start seeing interracial relationships in a different light.
Most of them are probably unaware of the influence that their glances and
ignorant comments can have over the minority. That could help many interracial relationships
lower their sensitivity graph or even destroy the notion of sensitivity to
intolerance all together.
References
Anderson, J.
(2012, September 7). Most And Least Diverse Cities: Brown University Study
Evaluates Diversity In The U.S. Retrieved December 10, 2014, from
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/07/most-least-diverse-cities-brown-university-study_n_1865715.html
Buchele, G.
(2014, December 16). 8 Questions Interracial Couples Are Tired of Hearing.
Retrieved December 8, 2014, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/grace-buchele/8-questions-interracial-couples-are-tired-of-hearing_b_4415858.html
Killian, K.
(2013, September 1). Interracial Couples, Intimacy, and Therapy, by Kyle D.
Killian. Retrieved December 11, 2014, from
http://issuu.com/columbiaup/docs/killian-interracial-excerpt/16
Drummerworld:
Elvin Jones. (2014, January 1). Retrieved December 10, 2014, from http://www.drummerworld.com/drummers/Elvin_Jones.html
Facts About
Los Angeles. (2014, November 18). Retrieved December 11, 2014, from http://www.discoverlosangeles.com/press-releases/facts-about-los-angeles
United
States Census Bureau. (2010, January 1). Retrieved December 9, 2014, from http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2010.html
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